Okay, the bad mood days are over!

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Today was a much better day than yesterday. Much better. I smiled. I laughed. I was happy. I had a great time at lunch with Cory and Chanda. Had a great talk with Alana-Facee who sent me an amazing picture of two hippoz. They weren't farting hippoz, but that's okay. It was one of the most amazing pictures I've seen in awhile.

I have also decided that I want a purple shark suit. Because I would rock that shit. Yes, I got this idea from Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory. But who gives a fuck? I would look better in that shit than him! I want one. Badly. The only place I can find it though is www.cheeretc.com and I can't get a price on it. I'm sure it's going to be ridiculously expensive and I won't be able to afford it... but still. I want it, damnit!!

The diet is going well. Kind of. 1716 out of 1800 calories yesterday, 1790 today. Not too shabby. Taking walks is kicking my ass. It shouldn't. But god help me, I'm out of shape and a smoker. Whatever though. It needs to be done.

I'm severely craving ink. Yep. Tattoo time. I want it. Unfortunately, I cannot afford it! Which sucks. But soon, I will start my job at Nordstrom and then I'll have more than enough money to get a new tattoo! I can't wait. Really. I can't. I'm going to Neon Dragon tomorrow to visit though. God knows it's impossible for me to walk into that place and not get a tattoo. But I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna hold off :P

Insomnia's kind of kicking my ass. It probably doesn't help that I took a longer-than-expected nap earlier today. Meant to sleep from 3-4:45. Yeah. Problem was, I set my alarm for 4:45 a.m. instead of p.m. I woke up at 6:30 and went, "Oh snap! I was supposed to be watching Cory blow shit up on X-Box an hour ago!" Oops.

Oh well. I'm enjoying the weekly Criminal Minds-athon that's going on right now. So I'm just gonna kick back, settle in, and watch that until the Trazodone kicks in. Goodnight :)

...They fingered his butt hole and sent him on his way.

We'll start this blog out with an excerpt from the most amazing essay ever;

Riding in the benzo, poppin my colla
See some fine wenches, I hafta holla.
Diamonds, gold, and the all mighty dolla
I'm opedipus bitch, the original balla.
I bust out my 9, to light up your impala.
Fuck that police!

Today was a pretty shitty day.Actually... the past 24 hours have been pretty shitty. Yep. It's been a shit-fest since roughly 6:42 p.m. yesterday. I'm pissed off. I'm fed up. Frustrated. Grouchy. Down in the dumps. All of the above. Thankfully, I have a couple amazing friends(Alana and Cory :D) who made the day a little bit better.

As of late, I've become really tired of a few things. Those things are:

1. Being walked on like a doormat.
2. Being overlooked.
3. Being blown off.
4. Being there for everyone, yet having no one be there for me.
5. Being peoples' friend only when it's convenient for them.
6. People treating me like I don't have feelings, and therefore they can say/do whatever they want to me, and it's okay.
   

And, you know... the saddest part is all of these things have happened in more than one instance, and seem to happen over and over again. It's tiresome, really. Really, I'm 21 years old. I'm too old for high school drama and bullshit. And the people who do this to me... yeah, they're too old for this shit too. It's kind of like the Papa Roach song, Scars... "my weakness is that I care too much." Sadly, I do. I'm the kind of person that cares about everyone. I do my best to see good in everyone. And what do I get for these things? I get stabbed in the back. I get ditched. And you know? Instead of folding or breaking, I just take it in stride and deal with it. I don't yell, I don't cause a scene. I keep everything bottled inside.

Maybe it's time for me to start causing a scene. Maybe I need to start throwing fits, and then people will see how the things they do and say to me really affect me. Maybe if I make it impossible for people to ignore me, they won't look me over or blow me off. Maybe I'll stop making myself so readily available to people. I'll stop putting myself out there. If I don't put myself out there, I can't get hurt... right? Maybe I'll start being selfish and only care about me and what I want and what I need.

It probably won't happen... but maybe someday I'll finally snap and do these things. Maybe.

Being told one thing, and then months later being told, "oops. Sorry. Maybe next time." is bullshit. It isn't fair. It isn't right. Being looked over for opportunities that would mean the world for me sucks. I'm always happy to lend an ear to people in need... but really, how many of these people do the same for me? If you guessed "not many," you would be correct.

I'm emotionally exhausted right now. I'm in the mood to go ape shit and start snapping on people. But I won't. Because it's not the kind of person that I am. Instead, I'm going to put it all behind me and move on. Not to avoid making anyone else uncomfortable or unhappy. I'm going to do it because I owe it to myself to BE HAPPY. I don't owe it to anyone else, just myself. How's that for being selfish?

If you think that anything in this blog pertains to you, maybe it does. Maybe you should take a look at yourself and make a change. Maybe.

Well, Here Goes Nothing!

O Hai!
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I've been tossing around the idea of blogging for awhile now. I have a lot of thoughts in my head that I needed a place to express. Writing a note on Facebook just didn't sound fun to me, and it's hard to express a lot of thoughts in the 140 characters that Twitter gives me. :)

Let's start with a little bit about myself, though I'm sure that most of the people who read this, if anyone reads it at all already know me. My name is Hillary. I'm 21 years old and from Cedar Rapids, Iowa. I'm tattooed. I very much enjoy getting tattoos. I have an Alice in Wonderland piece, a cross with my grandfather's name &birth year to death year, and a goth Tinkerbell on my back. I'm also in the midst of getting a half sleeve which includes a zombie eating an arm, a pumpkin monster with a witch, an axe-wielding scarecrow, and a gargoyle. All that's left for the sleeve is a background-filling-in session. I'm mildly unorganized, and very much accident prone. I volunteer at a haunted attraction, where I showcase most of my uncoordinated, accident prone capabilities. And as of next Wednesday, I will be officially re-employed at Nordstrom as a Personal Shopper. I'm a full-blown insomniac, so don't be surprised if most of my blogs happen between the hours of midnight and 3 a.m.

My scarecrow won 2nd Place in the Best Medium Color category at Lefty's Cedar River Tattoo Expo a couple weeks ago, something I'm sure most of my friends are tired of hearing about! I'm excited though. It's the first award I've ever won. I was even presented a trophy, which went to the artist, Andrew Douglas of Neon Dragon Tattoo Parlor. As I said, my friends are tired of hearing about it, but it's something that is very exciting to me. I've never really been the award-winning type. I'm not exactly a winner. Not that I'm a loser, I just don't enter competitions and stuff. :)

So yeah! Haunted houses. They're amazing. I've been volunteering for going on five years now. It's a lot of fun, and the people there for the most part have become family. Up until recently, it was called Frightmare Forest. Then due to an uncertain future on the property we were on, the owners decided that it was time to move to a new venue. Now that we are no longer in a forest, we have become Circle of Ash. It's pretty exciting, especially considering we are indoors now, and do not have to deal with mosquitoes and other creepy, crawly wildlife. As soon as the plumbing is installed and I don't have to go to Casey's anymore, I'll be REALLY excited. Everything is coming together quite nicely though!

My life hasn't exactly been a cakewalk the last couple months, but things are shaping up and becoming better. In November 2009 I was hired seasonally at Nordstrom. Unfortunately, due to some illness-related attendance points acquired, I did not get hired on permanently at that time. My last day was January 15th. On January 31st, they posted an ad that they were hiring Personal Shoppers for permanent, non-seasonal positions. I applied again. After going through some very tough, grueling interviews, I was offered a job. I go in for orientation next Wednesday, which will be exactly two months after I applied for the position. I'm very happy that I'm going back; I absolutely loved it there.

For about the past month, I've been working on weeding out the people that I don't need in my life. It's been difficult to let go of some of the relationships, but at the end of the day it's been for the best. I'm not saying by any means that any of these people are bad people, nor will I trash talk them in any way. I wish them all of the best in their lives, but unfortunately our lives weren't going in directions that were conducive to each other. At the end of the day, I have to make decisions that are the best for me and where my life is going, and I have to let myself be happy. That's something I've been working really hard at.

I have some relatively big goals that I've set for myself, and I'm determined to meet those goals. My two main goals are to move out, and to lose weight. I'll be 22 this year, and I've decided that it's beyond time to move out and be on my own. I've decided that apartment life isn't the life for me, so my goal is to save up between $4k and $6k to put down a deposit on either a townhouse or a condo. I'm leaning more towards a townhouse at this point. As far as losing weight goes, I've been talking about it and doing the whole "I need to lose weight" thing for awhile now... but I'm finally starting to get serious about it. I need to. I've started taking walks with my mom, and let me tell you, I'm seriously out of shape! Being a smoker doesn't help either. And yes, I know I should quit. Unfortunately, I'm not at the point where I really want to. I've also been watching what I eat. I'm on a 1600-1800 calorie diet, and I'm keeping a food diary. I'm determined to do this!

I'm also trying really, really hard to get my sleeping habits under control. A few months ago, I switched from taking Trazodone to taking Ambien, and it sucked. I would text people, call people, and walk in my sleep. I wasn't getting a good night's sleep, and I finally got to a point more recently where I wasn't even sleeping. As of yesterday, I'm back on Trazodone. I stopped taking it because it wasn't putting me to sleep. I would stay asleep once I fell asleep, but getting there was difficult. When talking to my doctor about it, we discussed taking it an hour to an hour and a half before I go to bed because that will give it time to kick in and do its job. I tried that last night, and it worked. Unfortunately last night, I forgot that the doctor had told me that I was only supposed to take half a pill until AFTER I had already taken a whole one. Oops. I'm a little zombified today, but that's okay!

Well... there went nothing. ;)